Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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