Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
