she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
