Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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