They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize