I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
as a side note pls kill me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
