my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
