Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
