closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
