no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
