Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
