I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
