Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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