guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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