You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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