new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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