I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
