I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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