Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
