Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
