i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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