Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
