Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
