Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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