Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
