btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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