i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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