dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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