Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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