we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
