Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
