I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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