i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
