Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
