had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
