farters have to be the big spoon...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
