I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
