I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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