my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
