I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
