Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
