OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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