does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she smelled like a LAN party
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
