I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
ttyl tear gas
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
