You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
