i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
