No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
either way he was missing a nipple.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
