So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
