Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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