You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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