Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
