At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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