if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
