no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
