Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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